This is such a hard topic to write about but I feel many mothers can relate to my feelings (at least I hope I’m not alone… anyone out there?)
It’s the anger that builds up and from 0-60 in 0.003 seconds I’m using my hand to get my child’s attention. A swat on the leg or butt while I grit my teeth and try to control myself. I tell myself to breathe, “she’s only 3”, my rational self reminds my brain. But it’s too late. I lost my temper and nothing good happens after. Tears and yelling follow every time, as well as the gut wrenching feeling of hatred towards myself. I never cross the line, but find myself dancing close to it from time to time. It is so frustrating when I’m always repeating myself and it falls on the deaf ears of my child.
No one would ever use mean, angry, abusive, hateful, or even loud to describe me. It’s just not my demeanor. But here it is. The ugly side of parenting. The ugly side of being a stay at home mom who never gets any down time or alone time. The ugly side of being human and being wrong. I’m not making excuses for myself. I know it’s not right and has to stop. It is not who I want to be or be remembered for.
(Who I want to be.)
I want to find that girl that could handle anything and not break a sweat. Since changing is hard I’ve been praying and asking God to help me. Here is a glimpse of what I’ve been praying about.
Thank you for the blessings in my life. Thank you for this strong roof over my head. Please protect my family and thank you for bringing my husband and children into my life. Please Lord, I’ve been having trouble with angry. Please take this demon out of me. Please give me strength to not lose my temper, not freak out, and to be the great mom my kids deserve. Motherhood is so hard. Maybe I wasn’t ready for it. But I’m trusting in the universe’s plan and asking for guidance on how to proceed. I am not perfect but please help me be stronger and in control. Thank you.
Has anyone else felt this way? Maybe you could leave me a comment and tell me I’m not alone or crazy.